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Last Updated on February 9, 2023
Welcome to the Success With Soul podcast! We all love a positive mindset, but we often don’t fully appreciate how automatic our thoughts are and how powerfully our thoughts create reality. And you can’t just snap your fingers and suddenly create radically different actions. In today’s episode, I’m sharing a training I did inside the Incubator that walks through Brooke Castillo‘s The Model (CTFAR). It’s a simple yet effective tool to pause and recognize how your thoughts become your reality, so that you can work with your brain to change your mindset and encourage new actions and outcomes.
Table of Contents
In entrepreneurial circles these days, you’re likely to hear plenty of talk about creating a positive mindset.
Change your mindset, change your life … right?
But when it comes time to change the behavior, it’s not uncommon to discover just how stubborn and sticky our patterns (and the thoughts that underlie them) can be.
You’ve probably had an experience like this:
So, if your thoughts become your reality … and you’re having trouble shifting your reality … then you can be fairly certain that it isn’t the behavior that needs your initial focus, but rather the thoughts that come before the behavior.
In other words, if you want to change your results, then you’ve got to address the thoughts that make up the mindset. And changing your thoughts is not just like flipping a switch. Your brain is much more complex than that.
There are some common misconceptions about how we transform our behaviors, and these misunderstandings actually get in the way of true change.
Well, when you don’t understand how behaviors get created and cemented in the first place, you’re likely to be working in the exact opposite order you would need to in order to change your mindset to begin getting different results.
Two of the main ways that we misunderstand transformation:
So, what’s the secret sauce that can actually change your mindset for real?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a psychological approach that understands that most of our unhelpful behaviors are the result of faulty thinking — and it seeks to use strategies that can effectively change thinking patterns (i.e., it works to change your mindset).
One extremely useful tool that’s come out of CBT is called the CTFAR Model (most often referred to as The Model for short).
Knowing that our thoughts create our reality, CTFAR addresses the underlying thought behind a behavior. Then, it offers strategies for shifting that thought pattern that actually work with your brain.
It’s not instantaneous, but rather more like exercising a muscle. You offer incremental shifts in your thinking that open new possibilities to unfold, breaking you out of the hamster wheel that’s kept you stuck in old thoughts, old behaviors, and old results.
Each letter in CTFAR stands for a different stage of the process. Let’s have a look.
You can see how, under the conventional Transformation-Comes-From-Willpower Model, you actually are working backwards: you’re getting a result you don’t like, so you try to change the behavior in order to eventually create a new circumstance.
But our brains don’t work that way. We have to start at the beginning. And the beginning is just identifying our circumstances.
One of the toughest things to believe when it comes to how to change your mindset is that your circumstances are emotionally neutral.
That’s right. Your circumstances are a set of facts, and somewhere out there are dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of people who have had the exact or very similar set of circumstances.
So, your current circumstance might be:
Notice the subtle but very crucial difference between your circumstance (emotionally neutral) and your thoughts about your circumstance:
So our circumstances trigger certain thoughts, and we assign a value or a judgment to our circumstances. This is bad. I’m a failure. Nothing is working. I can’t ever change. According to The Model and the research behind CBT, your thoughts then produce feelings — panic, self-criticism, despair, anxiety, overwhelm, desperation.
Those feelings then drive you to take certain actions — actions that are likely to be unhelpful.
Why would they be unhelpful? Because you’re going to wind up:
So, you can see how your thoughts become your reality, and why it’s so essential to pay attention to the thoughts you have in response to your circumstances.
As with so many personal development tools, the very first key is simply to commit to paying attention.
This means tuning into your body, noticing your thoughts, and honestly naming your feelings.
Very often, when we’re having an experience, we don’t spend much or any time actually paying attention. Instead, we have a circumstance, and we have an initial thought about it … and we just go with it.
We don’t interrogate it at all. What that means in our everyday lives is that we’re confusing the story for reality, and we’re living out of the story.
CTFAR harnesses the power of awareness and the power of language to begin the process of change. Because the words we choose really do matter.
Here are some simple strategies to change your words, change your mindset, and change your results.
This one is simple, but as I said above, it’s surprising how often we don’t do this. The initial thought exercise just involves noticing your first automatic thought and asking some good questions.
Is that actually true? Is it what I really believe? Is this thought justified? Am I exaggerating? What evidence is there to support that thought? Is this my thought, or is it actually someone else’s?
In addition to accepting out automatic, engrained, or socialized thinking as “fact,” we also tend to be extremely harsh with ourselves for the way we feel and behave.
When you’re looking at your current circumstances, they might be extremely stressful, disappointing, or overwhelming for you. You might feel resentment, anger, frustration, grief — all kinds of things.
Let yourself feel what you feel, and remove judgment for having those feelings. The more you allow this, the faster your feelings can move through, and the faster you can get into a healthy solution mode. The more you criticize your feelings (and yourself for having them), the longer you’re going to stay stuck.
So often we want to jump from struggle to success. We think, If my thoughts create reality, well then, I’ll just change my thoughts!
This is where we can misunderstand things like affirmations and mantras and assume that changing our thoughts is easy or (again) just a matter of willpower.
Your brain experiences this kind of dramatic lurching as a threat, and it’s actually more likely to retreat to old, familiar patterns. To the brain, familiar = safe.
Thought ladders are a way to introduce the concept of change to your brain in a way that is gradual and non-threatening.
So if your current thought (that’s driving your current results) is, I’m bad at managing money, it’s likely that your goal thought might be, I’m good at managing money.
But that type of 180º shift might be too much for your brain all at once.
In a thought ladder, you ask what the “next rung” thought might be that would get you incrementally closer to your goal thought. In the example below, you might try something like, As I practice regularly, I am getting better at managing my money.
Like any type of exercise, transforming your mindset takes practice.
(If you want to try your own thought ladders, I love this free PDF worksheet from coach Kim Witten.)
Thought errors, sometimes called cognitive distortions, are irrational thought patterns that seem “normal” to us but that create all kinds of problems for us if we assume that every conscious thought we have is reasonable.
It’s important to recognize that we engage in these distortions all the time. And — the more we commit to being non-judgmentally aware of our thoughts, the more we’ll be able to notice when we’re creating feelings, actions, and results that are all based on an error in our thinking.
Some typical examples, which I go into more detail about in this episode, are:
When you’re really struggling to transform a behavior, it can be super easy to take yourself very very seriously. But the tighter we cling to things, the more difficult it is to surrender ourselves to change.
My encouragement to you is to keep a sense of play in all of this. We’re human. Humans are weird. We do weird shit all day long. AND — we’re still amazing and worthy of love and capable of incredible things.
As you’re working to change your mindset around money, career, body image, relationships, whatever — leave a little room to be gentle with yourself and see the humor in it all.
In this training, I’ll walk you through a simple exercise you can do. Try CTFAR for yourself and see if it helps clarify some of the thought patterns that are underneath the behaviors and results that are frustrating you the most.
I’d love to hear how it goes! Leave a comment below and let me know what your experience was like, what your goals are, and where you’re at on the journey.
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We often assume that our thoughts are all our own. But the truth is that much of our thinking is influenced by our past, our experiences, our family structures, our culture, and the institutions that have had sway in our lives. And many of the thoughts we have are unconscious. When you don’t know what’s underlying your assumptions and beliefs, it can be very difficult to change your mindset.
Tools like the CTFAR Model can help you notice and consciously examine where your thoughts are coming from. And when you can understand that process better, you’re more likely to be able to change your mindset (and your results).
CTFAR is a process for identifying the thinking that’s underneath your behaviors, and then working with your brain to change the thought patterns that aren’t serving you. The letters stand for Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results.
While we get that certain behaviors will produce certain results, we often miss out on the fact that our behaviors stem from certain engrained thoughts, many of which are unconscious. The more we pay attention to our thoughts, the more we can see how they lead to certain feelings, which lead to certain actions, which lead to certain results. When you can change your mindset (your thoughts), you’ll be amazed at how everything can shift.
Change your words change your mindset refers to the power of language to shape how we perceive reality. Often we are unconsciously placing judgments on things that are, in reality, emotionally neutral. And often the words we choose are negative, self-critical, and disempowering. When you pay attention to the language you use, you can use your words to change your mindset.
Welcome to the Success with Soul podcast. This is Indira with Team KK, we hope you all had an amazing holiday break. We're so excited to be kicking off season three, with an amazing training by Kate and our lead coach Rachel into a tool created by Brooke Castillo from The Life Coach School called the model CT far, what better way to welcome in 2023 than by working on our mindset, knowing that our thoughts create our reality. Let's dive in.
You're listening to the Success with Soul podcast with Kate Kordsmeier ex-journalist turned CEO of a multi six figure blog in online business. But it wasn't that long ago that Kate was a struggling entrepreneur who lacked confidence, clarity, and let's be honest money. But all those failures, experiments and lessons learned helped Kay create a thriving business that impacts 1000s and brings freedom, flexibility and fulfillment to her life. If you're ready to do the same and make something happen with holistic, soulful, step by step strategies from Kate and other experts, you're in the right place. Here's your host, writer, educator, mom, recovering perfectionist, bookworm, and sushi connoisseur, Kate Kordsmeier.
Kate Kordsmeier 1:24
So we have talked a lot about mindset before. And of course, on the weekly coaching calls, this comes up a lot. And in the vision and values lesson inside the incubator, we have the belief inventory from raw goddess. And it's kind of the same basic principle that I want to talk about today, which is the same basic premise of the six psychological principle, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, if anybody has had any experience with that. And basically all of these things are the idea that our thoughts create our reality. So today, I want to dive into a tool that is created by Brooke Castillo from The Life Coach School called the model, raise your hand if you've heard of the model before event, only a couple. Cool. That's exciting. So this is an image from Brooks website. And we'll link to this in the portal so you can learn more about it. I obviously did not invent this tool myself. But it basically has these five mines, CTF A R, and they stand for circumstances which trigger our thoughts. And then our thoughts produce our feelings. And then our feelings generate our actions, and our actions cause our results. But you can kind of see that it's all starting with our thoughts here. So we're gonna play with this model a bit today. And I just want to explain in a bit more detail, like what this really means and what you'll put on your minds as we do the model. So a circumstance is neutral. So it means it gives you no emotional charge. The circumstance is factual, it's provable, measurable, it's like the sun came up today, or I have two clients. It's not I only have two clients, or I have two clients, but I want 10 There's no adjectives. It's not like the sun came up beautifully. Today. That's not a circumstance, the circumstances just the sun came up today. So no adjectives. And just remember that for every circumstance that we might feel like we have, and that our circumstance, we think our circumstances, what is creating our results, like, Oh, I'm too busy, I don't have childcare, I don't have enough time, I still have my full time job, whatever your circumstance might be, that there really is somebody else who has figured out a way to do what you want to do with those same circumstances. And so I don't say that to guilt anybody or make you feel bad, but rather to say, because it's not about the circumstances, it's about how they feel about the circumstances and what they do with this feelings. So the next line is thought and these are the words in our head that apply the meaning to the circumstances. So Brooke says like, if you say, I have a terrible past, that is the thought nothing happens in your life. Nothing that happens in your life is amazing or terrible, until you decide to have a thought about it and make it that way. And so this is kind of like I wanted to make a note here, like whether the stress is good or bad often depends on our perceptions. So if you use the lens of NLP, which is something I've been studying a lot lately, which is Neuro Linguistic Programming, a circumstance is neutral until we provide meaning after running it through our own filters. So it's all about our perception, and this is kind of the NLP model here. So we can see that we have some external circumstance happening right And we're taking it all in through our senses. And it gets into our brain. And the first thing that we do is we're deleting, distorting or generalizing that information. So we're either saying like, I don't need to know that there's a dog barking outside my window right now delete, right? Like I've just fully filtered that straight out. Or maybe we're distorting it. And we're saying, like, Oh, my God, this dog barking is causing x, or this dog barking sounds like this thing, which reminds me of that thing. overgeneralizing like, Oh, my God, dogs always bark, and they never stopped barking. And so we're making some kind of, we're like taking some kind of action with that thought as we filter it through our own filters. And those things might be like, What time is it a dog barking at two in the afternoon feels different than a dog barking at two in the morning. So how we perceive this dog barking changes based on all of the other like circumstances around things in our own filter. So where is the dog? I am going really in on this dog barking analogy. But actually, it's, it's resonating. There's the language that we take things in our memories, like, do we have a dog and so hearing another dog barking did we have a dog that died, maybe and now we're hearing this other dog barking, it's having us have a different perception, a different thought about this experience, even though the experience itself is neutral, and unchanging. So I just kind of wanted to show that to say like, there's nothing wrong with you for having thoughts, positive or negative about your circumstances, that is literally how our brains are designed. And so what will be cool to see is how we can actually change those thoughts and work with those thoughts moving forward with this lens. So the next line is feeling and feelings are usually just one word. And you're either feeling like scared, excited, overwhelmed, happy, it's just an actual feeling. Sometimes we say, I feel like you're not listening to me. That's not a feeling the feeling is unheard. Right? So we want to identify one feeling. And these feelings are just vibrations in your body. So understanding that your thoughts cause your feelings is how you can actually learn how to feel better, without changing your circumstances. So we've talked before, and I think, Katie, this came up last week and your question of like, we are so programmed to resist or react to or avoid our feelings, but actually, our willingness to experience all the feelings, including the negative emotions will directly affect your success. So it's really important to learn how to get comfortable being uncomfortable. And some of the ways that I kind of allow feelings to just exist in my own body is to stop, notice the feeling, kind of label it, identify it, and think about where do you feel it in your body? And what's the size of the feeling? What's the shape of the feeling, what's the intensity of the feeling, and just allow it to be there and notice it without judgment. So again, this is not about bypassing your feelings, and then just immediately replacing them with a positive affirmation. So we talked about the allanon approach, where you actually have to notice your feelings and using this rain technique. So you recognize the feeling, you allow the feeling, then you might investigate, why am I feeling this way? And using the model, the first thing you would look at is well, what thought, am I having what thought generated this feeling? And then how can you nurture that feeling? And maybe at some point, in that nurturing process, we do choose to feel to think something better, that will make us feel better, but it's not about immediately going there straightaway, really got to allow the negative and the positive emotions. All right. Then on the action line, there's basically there's three types of action. I think most of us always just think of they're being like me, they're taking action, like I'm just taking action, that's the action. But there's also reaction, which are you just reacting to something that happened. And that's where this is coming from, or inaction, which a lot of times if you're feeling overwhelmed, your action line is probably going to be inaction because we're paralyzed, or like, I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm feel overwhelmed. So if you're ever wondering like why you are or are not doing something, so maybe you are like, I want to do yoga every day, but then you're not doing it. You might want to ask yourself what you were feeling right before you decided not to do it, and then work backwards to see what that thought was. Maybe your feeling was defeated. And your thought was, it's never going to work. And so even though you're like I want to do yoga every day, you If you're thinking, it's never gonna work, it's gonna be really hard to actually show up and do yoga every day. So then the result is the outcome. And this is where I really think about soul versus strategy. So when we focus only on changing our actions, like, here's a new strategy, this is something tangible that you can try. If we only focus on that, instead of thinking about our thoughts and feelings behind those actions, we never get to the root cause. And then we never really end up getting the result we want, at least intentionally. So when using the model, you can start with any line. And this is kind of how a model would look, there's just CTFA are lines for each, and you can start kind of filling them in. And you can do this really, for anything in your life. And one of the ways that Brooke talks about it is starting with an intentional model versus an unintentional model. So most of us are operating using an unintentional model, like we don't realize that, Oh, I'm not going to yoga, because I'm having these thoughts, and that would be the unintentional model. So what you can do is then you can model what your current situation is, how you're currently feeling thinking and the results that you're getting. And then you can create an intentional model next to it that says, Okay, what if I change this thought to something else? And what if my thought was, every minute and yoga is one minute, I'm taking care of myself, and then your feeling was, like, loved, I love myself, I'm taking care of myself, then your action when your alarm goes off at five in the morning, is probably going to be very different than your action when you are thinking that, you know, nothing's going to make a difference. So your result is probably that the reason you wanted to start doing yoga in the first place, maybe to feel more calm, to slow your mind down, you actually get that result, right. So I want to kind of play with this with you guys. And we can do a couple examples together. So kind of thinking, knowing you know, today is our money making bootcamp. So we're going to try to focus on some more sales related models. But of course, if you feel called to do something else, it's just really on your heart, please, by all means, go for it. I'm happy to kind of go over a couple here. And then we're going to go into breakout rooms and do these together with a partner. Does anybody have any questions before we move on? See one thing in the chat? Sorry?
Unknown Speaker 12:31
In this example, right here, is that two examples, or is there a reason why the letters are running together? Like do you like a circle?
Kate Kordsmeier 12:40
Now? It's two totally separate. He's trying to fit it all on one page? No, that's fine. I was just making sure. Thank you. Yeah, two totally separate examples. So in this example, here, we're going to look at this one here. The action is I haven't launched my offer. So you're kind of in a state of inaction, right? And the result is maybe I'm not making any money. So if this is you, maybe you could share, just unmute yourself, because I can't really see the chat and my screen at the same time. What's the feeling that you have thinking about launching your offer? Who wants to share your fork, Katie? Okay, yes. Sorry. Real quick. Jimenez said in the chat, circumstance, thought, feeling action result.
So I guess for me the action of not launching my offers coming from. And this is not one word, so, but it's like, I'm not ready. Like, it's not like I don't even know what I'm doing. So I guess that's a thought. Yeah, that's a thought. And I guess the feeling of that would almost be like, I'm like insecurity, in a way. It's like, I'm insecure, because it doesn't feel ready. I don't think that you know, so I guess those are thoughts and then the circumstance would be
Kate Kordsmeier 14:00
I don't know. Yeah, this is great. I think so normally, what we would do is say, I haven't launched my offer because I'm not ready. And we think that the circumstances I'm not ready, but that's not a circumstance. That's a thought, right? The circumstances just I haven't launched, My offer is not out there. So the thought around that is I'm not ready. And how does thinking I'm not ready make you feel
kind of like, I guess, like insecure, like it makes me feel like unconfident. Yeah, makes sense.
Kate Kordsmeier 14:35
Okay. And when you're feeling insecure, what do you do?
I hide. I keep not doing things because it's not gonna be good enough anyways, or it's not worth anything anyways.
Kate Kordsmeier 14:49
Yeah, so normal. I'm sure there are several people here who can relate to that exact feeling. So then your result is I'm not making any I mean, I don't have enough out there. There's no way for people to pay me even if they wanted to. So what if we go back now? That's the unintentional model. Right. Now, the intentional model would be to say, your circumstance is, I haven't launched my offer. Right. So what is the thought? And we'll get into a little more thought work before we go into breakout rooms, but just to kind of practice this for now. What's the thought that would feel better than I'm not ready? Maybe
something like, I'm putting a lot of intention into my offer. Okay. Something along.
Kate Kordsmeier 15:41
The thought is, I want to be intentional. Yeah. Okay. And what feeling? What do you feel in your body? When you think I want to be intentional?
A lot more like, peaceful, like, when it's like, Oh, I'm just not ready. It's like, my energy feels very, like kind of like scattered. But it was like, Well, I'm being thoughtful. When I'm taking my time. It's more like about
Kate Kordsmeier 16:05
so peaceful. Yeah. So when you're feeling peaceful, about being intentional, launching your offer? What do you do?
I will feel motivated, and I feel filled working on my offer. Like, it makes me feel motivated to work on it. Mm hmm.
Kate Kordsmeier 16:24
So that's still a feeling, which is good. Now we're feeling motivated. We're feeling though, what do you do when you're feeling motivated?
Work on it. Work on the, you know, work through, like, work through the modules and start getting things on paper start? Yeah, do the work.
Kate Kordsmeier 16:44
Doing the work and what happens when you do the work?
I mean, that's how you actually get the results, right, is when you show up in your present is when you you make steps towards having an offer, and you make steps towards launching it.
Kate Kordsmeier 16:58
Right? So the result in this case, doesn't have to be like made a million dollars, the result can just be I launched my offer. Right? Right. It's just like, now this has I came in, I was intentional, I've made me feel peaceful, which made me feel motivated, which then allowed me to do the work from an intentional space, and then I could launch my offer. Cool. I like that.
I'm gonna write this down.
Kate Kordsmeier 17:28
So I'm gonna move into a little bit of some of the thought work here. Okay, good. I'm just checking the chat. And then we'll come back and do the next model here, before we do breakout rooms. Because I think this part is really is really hard. So how do you change your thoughts? And the first thing, of course, you need to do is to become aware of what your thought even is, and don't rush to judge your thoughts or to change them immediately. Again, like allow all the feelings even allow all the thoughts sometimes it's helpful to just like brain dump, what are all the thoughts I'm feeling about this circumstance, and practice that self compassion, and just removing that judgment? So I love this concept called your first initial thought. And the premise of it is basically like, most people don't actually think they just take their first thought, and they go with that. And they never actually, like, pause long enough to say, like, Wait, is that actually what I think? So what we can do here is catch the unhelpful thought that you're having, or just catch your first initial thought it may be helpful, it may not be and ask yourself, like, is this thought justified? Am I exaggerating? What evidence is there to support that thought? So like, I'm not ready, says who? What evidence is there to say you're not ready, right? Are you actually even thinking about how to solve the problem? Or are you just thinking about things you already know? Like, it's so we're so in our heads, like telling ourselves the same thing, the story we tell ourselves over and over again? It's like, are you just continuing to tell yourself that story? Are you actually stepping out and going, like, does this story serve me? Does this story solve the problem? And more accurately things you think, you know, because so much of what we tell ourselves is not actual fact. It's just things that we're thinking, right? And another question could be, is this my thought or is this someone else's? So somebody else may have planted a thought in your mind or you may have been so ingrained in thinking a certain way so you know, conditioned and socialized to think a certain way?
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So we catch the unhelpful thought we check it by asking some of those questions. And then we can notice some of our thought errors. So this is kind of like cognitive distortion is another way of thinking about it in psychology. And it's really helpful to actually like label or identify the error that you're having. So I want to go through a couple of the most common errors. And just like I'm going to pull up the chat real quick, just if in the chat when we get to one that you're like, Oh yeah, I do that. Just give me a like, Yep, that's me. So the first one is just focusing on the negatives. So no matter what happens, all you can see are the negative things around you. And you're just finding a way to feel bad about it. Even if there are other positive things that are currently happening who just kind of stay stuck focusing on the negatives. Maybe it's all or nothing thinking for you. So if something isn't perfect, then you fail completely. Or if you can't post every single day, then you might as well not post at all. Or if you've eaten pizza, then you know, then there's no sense of caring about what the rest of your meals look like for the rest of the day. Okay, Katie can relate to that one catastrophizing. So if a small bad thing happens, it's gonna ruin everything, or like we're immediately jumping to worst case scenario thinking. So like Heather, what you were saying before thinking instead about like, what's the best that could happen here? Because so often we're just catastrophizing going, like, Oh, my God, the worst case scenario? Yeah. Sabrina with your kids and your family? For sure. So easy to do with kids? Yeah. All or nothing? For sure. Okay, mind reading. So assuming that you know what other people are thinking about you. So I actually just did this recently, myself. I have panic disorder, as many of y'all probably know. And I think that if I have a panic attack in front of people, that they're going to think I'm crazy, like I'm certifiably insane. But that is me, assuming what somebody else thinks like nobody has actually said, This is what I think about you having a panic attack, right? So mind reading, assuming what other people are going to think, similarly, fortune telling, like just knowing that something's gonna go wrong, I know if I launch this, nobody's gonna buy it, or I'm gonna have a tech issue or something's gonna happen and it's all going to be for naught. So we're guessing what's going to happen in the future. Mind reading for sure for Sarah. Okay. Yeah, putting myself down in fortune telling. So common feelings are facts. So I feel like a failure, therefore, I am a failure. I feel like I'm not ready. I think I'm not ready. So I'm not ready. But is that actually truth? So taking our feelings as facts, putting yourself down I'm useless. Can't do anything. I'm not good enough. This is all the not good enough stuff. All the enoughness Molly says think he made big strides and feelings as facts. Just read it recently. Good for you. Okay, perfectionism. No, this is a super common one. I should be perfect at everything. I'm not allowed to be a beginner. I should be perfect from the very first time I do anything. And I can never make a mistake. I can never need help. I can never have to redo anything. It's got to be the best from day one. All right, blaming it's either all my fault or all their faults and both can be equally harmful. Just depending on who you're blaming. put myself down working on it and my own bully Yes. In my certification program. They call this your deck, which is your deep inner critic. And what is your deck telling you right now? So I just thinking your own bullies like yep, that's your deck. What's your deck say? Okay, a few others that I added to this list black and white thinking which is kind of like the all or nothing thinking overgeneralizing. So one negative event is everything is wrong now, so everything's a problem. Because one small bad thing happened. Shooting. I should do this. I shouldn't do this. They should do this. Which of course only leaves us feeling guilty or frustrated, disqualifying the positive? So just discounting the good things that have happened, or that you have done for any reason, just like, Yeah, I did make 10 sales, but I really wanted to make 12 the unreal ideal. So making unfair comparisons between ourselves and other people think this is super common in business. Oh, well, they did this. So I should do this. Oh, that me? Yeah. jumping to conclusions. So again, kind of like that. What was it called Mind reading. So assuming people feel negatively without evidence to support that. So one of the example for this one could be like, your partner walks in the door, and they go sit on the couch, and you're like, Oh, they're mad at me. Or they, maybe they're just tired. So just jumping to those conclusions. Sarah says, I jumped to conclusions all the time. Yep. And then one of the last ones here. I mean, I'm sure there's dozens of other thought errors here. But the last one I have is control fallacies. So the illusion that you're either responsible for everything that happens, or that you have no control over anything ever. And I think we both can, we can you know, oscillate between both very easily. Holding on to the past, not trusting that you've learned the lesson. Yeah. disqualify the positive column isn't the shitting. And I do it anyway. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of these are like, Okay, I'm doing that thing. And you're, it's not going to mean that you're gonna stop doing it. But what it might mean is that now you can catch yourself having the unhelpful thought and say, Oh, I'm shutting? Okay. Let me go check this thought asked myself some of those questions, figure out is this how I actually want to think and feel, and again, like kind of challenging that thought. So then the next step being, what evidence goes against this thought? What if the opposite were true? Is this thought serving you? And then is when we can actually start to change the thought? So is there a more neutral or balanced way of thinking about this? What would I rather believe in this situation? I think one of the keys here is to start with something more neutral. And because you have to actually believe the thought if we come in, and like in Katie's example, she says, I'm not ready. And we just changed her thoughts say, no, no, no, let's not think that let's say I am ready. It's like, well, if you don't actually believe you're ready, then this isn't going to work. So what's something more neutral that we can believe instead of I'm not ready? What's something you know, a little more balanced? Maybe it's something that is just one step up from where you're currently thinking. So I think Katie, your example was really great, because it was like you didn't go to I'm not ready you went from I want to be intentional. And another way you can think about some of those is using this thought ladder and starting with questions like we're going to incrementally change your thoughts from negative to neutral, to positive. And a good way to do that is starting with, it's possible that I'm ready. It's possible that sales isn't gross, it's possible that I could be successful. Or I don't know how to do an evergreen funnel yet, but I could learn. So I like the yet qualifier can be really helpful when you're going through the ladder. So the thought ladder, I have just a couple examples here. There's a couple examples that I just thought were really helpful. And we can go through them pretty quickly. So the first one is like you have this thought maybe your thought is I'm bad with money. So if your goal thought is, I'm good with money, but you're like, Well, I'm not like I'm just I'm not going to, I'm not going to believe that, then what can we go to the next rung on the ladder. And maybe it's I don't yet know how to manage money, but I could learn. And then from there, it's like, as I learn more about money management, it becomes easier to practice this skill. And as I practice this skill regularly, I'm getting better at managing my money. Now, I'm good at managing my money. And so you don't have to, like you can do the thought Ladder Exercise and you can fill in the model and replace it just with the next level thought you don't have to go all the way to the top thought it may take you hours, days, months years to get to that like goal thought, but I think being aware of what you want to believe instead and kind of what needs to happen in between to get you there can be really helpful. I think the self image one is another one that really resonates that I hate the way my body looks. So it's possible that I'm being hard on myself. I'm open to seeing the differently. That's another great one, like your next rung thought no matter what your current thought is, could be, I'm open to seeing this differently. And that's it. I don't even have to change the thought. So next rung is there are some things I like about my body. Other things I can accept. That's a good tattoo. I'm open to seeing things differently. Yeah. Little wording. All right. And then from there, we could say accentuating the things I like about my body makes me feel better about myself. And getting us to the goal thought of I feel good about my body. So any questions, thoughts, shares, before we move on?
Rachel Silves 30:40
There was a question in the chat, Kate from Mali about how using this thought ladder might be a little different than affirmations. So I just was curious if you wanted to address that. Or, you know, how we had talked about posing it as a question like,
what if? Or how am I somebody who loves my body no matter what, or something like that? You know, remember? We talked about that before?
Kate Kordsmeier 31:02
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It could be a question here. I mean, I think the question is more. So what you ask yourself to get to the next rung. So what you write on the next rung of the ladder isn't the question. But the answer to the question. Does that make sense? Or am I misunderstanding you? Yeah. And they don't always have to be like, affirmation style, like, I don't want it to feel like it has to be something you could tattoo on your arm, right? Like, it doesn't have to be this really eloquent thought it can just be, you know, it's possible. Somebody thinks I have a good body. Like, that's it. So it doesn't have to be this big, you know, eloquent thing. Okay, Brian, I really appreciate getting this reminder because I share this process with my audience. But I have to constantly remind myself to do the same to Oh, yes, every bit of this is like telling this to myself, as well. So we teach what we most need to learn ourselves. Right? Yeah, and
Rachel Silves 31:59
actually, just to piggyback on that a little bit, I saw some comments in the chat about using these thought errors. And the goal is not that you're never going to have these thought errors, like we are always going to have these thought areas because that is how our brain takes in information. And then it deletes distorts and changes things. What we're trying to help you guys do and what we're always working on ourselves is to become aware and identify those thought errors. So you can catch yourself when you are shooting yourself or getting stuck in all or nothing thinking. And so I guess I just don't want anybody to think that they're okay, now that you know about these thought errors, you're never going to have them again, because we're all going to have all of these thought areas every single day, multiple times a day. And the thought work that we can do is recognizing and becoming aware of them. So then we can start working on challenging them looking at the evidence and working on this thought ladder.
Kate Kordsmeier 32:49
Yeah, great point. Thanks, Rachel. So now that we've kind of done some of the thought work here, I'm going to come back up here to this model, and who will be my guinea pig who has the feeling or the thought rather that being salesy is gross or like I don't want to be salesy. Nobody. Everybody loves sales. Everybody's saying
Rachel Silves 33:13
go see, Sarah, that's J raising your hand. Yeah, for sure. Okay.
Kate Kordsmeier 33:19
So what's your thought? It doesn't have to be exactly as I worded it there. What's your current thought about sales?
Sara Jane Sandy 33:25
That if I come across as salesy in any way that undermines or like compromises my perception as a practitioner, hmm.
Kate Kordsmeier 33:36
And how do you feel when you think that nervous, huh? And so what action do you take when you're thinking being salesy undermines my expertise?
Sara Jane Sandy 33:51
I guess I don't my actions I then I don't do anything that could that I perceive may be perceived as salesy to my clients.
Kate Kordsmeier 34:02
And so what results are you left with at the end of that,
Sara Jane Sandy 34:04
not doing things that could potentially make me more money? Yeah. Be helpful to clients actually. Right.
Kate Kordsmeier 34:12
I mean, one thing, so this is kind of changing the thought, but so the result is, potentially I'm not making sales because I'm not willing to be salesy. So, if we come back to that thought that being salesy, undermines would fit wedges of where I want to use your,
Sara Jane Sandy 34:30
like, undermines my respect as a practitioner or like perception as a practitioner.
Kate Kordsmeier 34:36
Right. Okay. So we come back to that and say, what if the opposite were true? What if every person who doesn't get on a sales call with you goes unhealthy? Or what if you're not able to get women pregnant because you don't want to be salesy. So what's the thought that you would like to believe instead? If that feels like you could believe it,
Sara Jane Sandy 35:02
that what I'm offering is not like a empty sale or like an empty promise or like selling something that doesn't work or is not with the utmost like best interest in mind of the, the client or customer that I'm talking to the reframe of, yeah, what I'm selling, which is like, really with everyone's best intention in mind, always whether it's like an affiliate link or my course, you know, sometimes it can all feel salesy, but it's like, it's all for the best good of the customer.
Kate Kordsmeier 35:38
Yeah, exactly. So when you're thinking about how this is for the good of the customer, for me to be, quote, unquote, salesy, what's the feeling that you have then, like,
Sara Jane Sandy 35:51
excitement or like encouragement? Like, yes, I want to, you know, talk to more people and get more
Kate Kordsmeier 35:55
women. Yeah. So then the action you take when you're feeling motivated, like that
Sara Jane Sandy 36:02
is, is to write more emails or write more content that is, or get on more sales calls and not view them as a sales call, like more as, you know, an information gathering or an information sharing? Email call.
Kate Kordsmeier 36:21
Right? Yeah. And then the more sales calls you're on, what's the result?
Sara Jane Sandy 36:26
The more money that I make, which helps keep me more motivated to continue to do what I'm doing to help more women.
Kate Kordsmeier 36:33
Right, exactly. Okay. Thank you. That's great. Love it. Molly said something in the chat. Two things can be true, you can come from a place of service. And you can also aim to make money from that service. They aren't mutually exclusive. So true. I think sales can be the means to the end of how you help people, right? Like without sales, you can't help people, you can't provide a service. So I think there could be some fun playing that we could do today with even just the word sales, or what does being salesy mean to you, and really thinking about that question, what does it mean to be salesy? I think a lot of us go into this, like, Oh, I'm a used car salesman and trying to scam somebody into like buying a lemon when, you know, I know something's wrong with it, and I'm just doing it for profit. I don't think any of us are in a position where we would ever do anything like that. But if we have that connotation, in our mind, if our thought about sales is gross, negative, it's aggressive, it's sleazy, scammy, fake, whatever, it is going to affect the result that you get in your business. So we are going to move into breakout rooms with one partner, and I want you guys to each do the model with each other. Just say it out loud, or write it down and say it out loud. I think the saying it out loud to somebody else was really help. And we will give you five minutes each to do the model. And we'll send a little note when it's time to switch partners. So let me see. I
Rachel Silves 38:19
think I have the breakout rooms ready to go. Oh, great. Okay, so there's a question from Sabrina. So can you just give a little more direction where to start with this?
Kate Kordsmeier 38:29
Yeah. So I want you to sorry, I don't have the thing pulled up. Just start with this model here. I'll put it in the chat. Sorry, the formatting is a little off. But start with the model. And you can put whatever thought you have on the thought line. But we can start with how do you feel about sales? What's your thought about sales? Or you can start with the circumstance like you can really start anywhere on the on the line if your circumstances I'm not making any sales? What's your thought about that? So fill into whatever is coming up for you. But I think keeping it focused on sales will be helpful.
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